THE LORD TOLD ME IT'S TIME TO MAKE TAMAR FALL IN LOVE

I've always had a love/disgust relationship with my middle daughter, Tamar. On the one hand, she's much more moral and upstanding than her elder sister, with whom I refuse to speak because of her opinions on ear piercings. However, Tamar has also let us down in many respects--failing to ever win the Miss Iowa pageant, for instance, despite the Lord's insisting to me that she would become the next Miss America. Which is why I was surprised when the Lord told me clearly in a dream that it was time to find a husband for Tamar. I had just assumed it was Tamar's lot in life to forever pull the plough with her homely body. But the Lord's ways are not ours. So, with our new mission in mind, Jesis and I began viewing possible suitors in the best place to find single, patient, repentant men.

At first, it seemed that no one in the prison release program was moral enough to take Tamar. I read dozens of letters offering to date my daughter, but none of them discussed the moral ramifications of premarital sex and abortion, though I was pleased that so many were pro-procreation. I was about to give up, when I read a letter from a true knight in shining spiritual armor:

"Dear Roberta,

I sounded out your advertisement, and I believe I am "upright" enough to date your daughter. I am morally upstanding, and I hope someday to be a pastor, a bishop, or a gunsmith. I am being released this Friday for domestic battery, for which I am very sorry."

I couldn't believe such a hunky man was single!! Belief in the Lord AND career ambition--I was reminded of the young and dashing James who stole my heart and broke my spirit one mesmerizing Pentacostal evening. I immediately called Tamar in from her husking, gave her a crisp $20 bill, and told her to buy the best dress in the entire Target. I then put her in the back seat of the station wagon, and drove to the penitentiary to pick up Tamar's future husband... The evening didn't turn out at all like I'd expected, but then again, Jesis likes to calmly surprise me!!

But, that's a story I'll have to tell on Monday, as I see that my eldest son, Absalom, has stuck his entire head in the pool drain, again. I need to stop typing and save him.

Also, Jesis has asked me to remind you that the Jewish High "Holidays" are just a month away, and it's time to begin praying against them!!

OUR TROOPS NEED TO ACT MORE LIKE MEN, AND LESS LIKE BOYS AND GIRLS!

By James Shugs

I recently took my boys to salute the Vietnam Wall, as I do every time I feel in doubt. Creston has an exact replica of the wall made out of orange concrete but very authentic, as it's next to the Panda Express.

As we stopped to let Absalom fix the strap on his Candies shoe, I was taken in by a moving quote:

"The Vietnam War required us to emphasize the national interest rather than abstract principles."
- Henry Kissinger

I was stirred to the bowels of my soul. It was a moving description, and one that can be applied to Christianity, as well. My Christian Encyclopedia says that Kissinger was an unfortunately Jewish man. However, it's hard to imagine that, during that quote, he had anything else in his mind but the One True Faith.

I began to ponder our current lack of strong, outspoken soldiers like Kissinger. Like the current pop hit, "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," I wondered, "Where have all the strong, outspoken soldiers gone?"

I then realized correctly that liberalist individualism must be the problem. As I remember, the most manly soldiers came from the era during my childhood. There wasn't a whole lot of liberalism in the nation during the era in which I grew up--late 1960s West Virginia. Therefore, this modern influx of liberalism, and pro-female individualism thinking, has obviously wrapped its tendons around the minds of our troops and our boys overseas, causing us to become unable to finish winning a war against a bunch of shrieking Jihad devils.

This is what happens when you start teaching young boys liberal hype like "help out with housework", "take a long bath", and "no means no." Once they have errantly given up their place of male dominance, this makes them feel confused in wartime, since both MidWestern women and Middle Eastern men tend to have fine beards and sinewy arms.



I was faced with the universal conundrum of what to do as an individual, to combat all of this individualism. I knew I had to start with my boys- grow them up like manly men with rough and rugged experience lessons. With that in mind, I had Roberta pack us a picnic lunch, and took the boys out to the St. Francis Catholic Church parking lot for a little shooting.

It was our first time shooting as a family, if you don't count that time when Roberta convinced Tamar to give her heart to Jesis. Our younger boy, Spud had trouble handling the recoil with his short, flipper hands. However, Absalom proved to be a crack shot, surprisingly. According to him, he gained his skills handling a revolver in his bedroom while doing his favorite creative writing exercise, writing "By the time you find this" letters. I've never been so proud of him. Perhaps I should ship him overseas, and teach those gay army boys a real lesson! (I'm just kidding about that last part, I'd never do anything to interfere with Absalom's dream of being a professional dancer!)

After expending the two cases of pellets I'd brought, we sat down to lunch and a good old fashioned male bonding ritual I learned from my Uncle. First, one boy is chosen as the "Tribal Fox." Everyone sits in a circle while the Tribal Fox says something personal about themselves, both emotional and deeply physical. Then, every other member of the circle puts their hands on his thighs, and lets out a war whoop. Looking at my boys grip and holler, I felt a tear well up in my eye as I recalled my youth. Usually, I recall my youth as a more pleasant time for me than the times when I am with my boys. However, I enjoyed our male bonding ritual way better than when it was with just me and my uncle. Plus, me and the boys saved a lot of time and American dollars by omitting the butter.

After a meal and "group poop", I was sad that I could no longer come up with any male bonding ideas. We packed up everything, and drove the Caravan home. It really depressed me that I had no more masculine wisdom to impart. I tried putting an ad in the church bulletin, asking readers to share with me their favorite all-male bondage rituals. However, none of the responses seemed to make much sense.

If any readers out their have any ideas on how I could further my sons' development into fully-fledged members of the male race, please feel free to comment.

Intervention Result- A Call to All Mommies!

Everyone has been asking about our recent non-divine intervention for our son, Absalom. The outpouring of support from friends and family has been soulwarming in this storm. The local police authorities were especially forthright in showing their concern. Rather than speak to everyone individually, and risk catching a nasty demon from the phone, I've decided to summarize the holy events which transpired.


First, nearly all five people I invited showed up. Absalom came in wearing a tight "hello kitty" t-shirt that belongs to his sister. And hot pants. We spent two hours trying to get Absalom to spit up his demon, until he finally untied himself and I realized that we needed the Lord to come up with a different plan.

I began to consider the events which could have caused Absalom's weird descent. There was that one day he skipped daily sunday school- and he never made up the twelve hours he missed. At first, I was certain that this was the culprit, as he must have spent that day getting infested with demon eggs. But then, I realized that the Lord had exacted his sevritude on Absalom through the whip, and that all was righteous in Absalom's heart.

Having determined that Absalom's wicked behavior was not his own fault, I began to ponder what else could be possessing him. I soon realized that the clothing he wore, the very beacon for my concern, was causing the problem. No wonder Tamar turned out so luke-warm- she had been wrapped in possessed clothing her entire life!

I ordered Absalom to strip down. Then, I took all of Tamar’s clothes and burned them in the backyard. Tamar cried and cried, which soothed my soul, as it meant the devils were getting released from her. Now, I have two naked teenage children locked in my garage, and I’m nearly out of mini-Ritz! Oh, the trials of a modern mommy.

I’m sure you’ve had your own experiences as a Christian mother with 4-10 children. Feel free to share them in our comments section.

JESIS HATES CUTTING & IS COMING TO MY PARTY!!!!

As many of you on our prayer list know, our son Absalom had been displaying strange behavior for some time. We were catching him wearing unauthorized hot pants and lip gloss on several different occasions. James and I were so disturbed, we couldn't sleep, not even after our usual ritual of prayer and cookies. Then we decided to buy Absalom a boy kitten, so he would be able to observe the natural and homely tendencies that Jesis put in wildlife. Jesis answered our unspoken prayers, because we found out the next day that our neighbors were selling kittens, as a gentle reminder to their cat about promiscuity!! (Isn't it amazing how quickly Jesis works!)

Absalom named the new kitty Twink, after his favorite dessert! He and Twink would go for walks together, play with treats, and we did not see any shiny lips or legs, Praise Jesis!! Then we were having family movie night, and watching Dr. Phil. I quickly realized that we had encountered another evil, straight from Satan trying to get my son off Jesis's plan! We saw the telltale signs of cutting, which I will share here for other mommies:


1. Long, red scabs on the arms or legs

2. You definitely did not cause your kids scabs

3. They deny they're cutters

NOTE: IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, YOUR CHILD IS A CUTTER!!!

We knew we had to stage an intervention immediately!!! At first, I didn't stage one, although I knew I should and I am still right. First, I naturally chose to take away his cat, for protection. This seemed to do the trick, as the red scabs disappeared soon after. Obviously, the cat was the problem. Our son had obviously become depressed due to the kitten's Siamese heritage and resorted to cutting. "I know the signs all too well," spoke Jesis, by which I mean me. However, my son soon took a job raking briar patches. This must have depressed him, as well, because the cuts on his arms soon reappeared.

So, now, it's an intervention. I've been busy preparing hors d'oeuvres and sending out invitations. I'm known for throwing quite the social soiree, I'm in charge of my church fast-'n-prayer service (the secret is to bring extra buckets in case anybody gets the vomits). I knew that expectations would be high for Absalom's Intervention Party, and I did not want to disappoint Jesis. I made certain that everyone was invited- my church sewing group, my bridge and solemn vows group, my Mothers Against Mothers Driving group. With all of these respected and reserved middle-aged female pinnacles there, I knew Absalom would be moved to fall on his knees and sniff His ground in servitude.

As I write this, the intervention party is growing in my garage. Everyone is here except for Absalom, who usually shows up late. But, I can count on his arrival- it's family movie night, and I told him we were viewing his all-time favorite film, "The Little Mermaid: Christian Edit". Boy, how he chortles for practically the entire 20 minutes of that video!!!

Well, I need to go start the spiritual warfare and pour the Crystal Light (we have two kinds!!). Bye for now, but I'll be back after the fun party to tell you how well it went.

Gay People have Ruined My Society!

My son, Absalom, has turned 18 and is ready to leave my home-schooling and go to college!! He says he wishes to major in ballet, and become a famous “showdancer”, just like King David did in the Bible when his wife Abigail wept with joy. Naturally, I want to provide for him the strictest Christian dance education that money can buy. So, this weekend, we loaded up our Caravan and began touring what I thought were the “best” colleges under His Good Name. It turns out I’d been mistaken, as gay sin had already taken its horrible toll on each of the most popular Christian colleges!!!Our first stop was Bob Jones University. My husband has a lot of money, so we were allowed a brief meeting with the President, Stephen Jones. Stephen, unfortunately, informed me that there was no dance school for boys!!!! When I inquired why, he said that having a male dance school attracts homosexuals. I was shocked that urban homosexuals had ruined another fine institution, so I went out to the car, where my son was waiting, shook him until his feet were clean of dirty dust and sped off!


We then headed south, to good ‘ol Baylor University. This is my husband’s alma mater, as he spent more days here than at any other university. On the drive down, my son kept getting antsy. He called his friend Tony, several times to chat, and that seemed to settle him down. He’s such a loyal friend!


When we arrived at Baylor, I had scheduled a meeting with several academic advisors. I brought Absalom along, this time, and cracked a car window for Tamar, his twin sister, who is in discipleship training for becoming a mommy if she gets into her top husband. (Keep praying!!!)


Anyway, those advisors sure weren’t doing a lot for their school’s image!!! After barely meeting with Absalom, they suggested that he would be happier at a SECULAR college. I insisted that Absalom was just as good as any Dance major currently at Baylor. To prove my point, I had Absalom do an impromptu recital for them, fortunately, he was already wearing his leotard. After the recital, the advisors were all smiles and laughter, because Absalom obviously rubbed their souls with the joy of the Lord!! They thanked us for our time, and I left(Absalom had already run out of the room and jumped into the car, with a holy unction.)
I had hoped our next stop would be less unpleasant: Liberty college. I chose it as Absalom’s “safety school”. Absalom has always mentioned that he’d like to go to school in Sunny Virginia, just like the hymn. Also, Tamar likes the steeples. She says they are “purrrdy” and they remind her of dark nights she used to spend on summer vacation fellowshiping with her Uncle Michael in Northern Iowa.


When we got to Liberty College, the tour guide informed us that, despite the fact that they offer a LIBERAL ARTS PROGRAM, they do not offer a dance program!!! When I asked them how they planned to stop theaters from being overrun with gays, the tour guide implied that perhaps MY SON was a gay. I smartly replied that my son had been interested in ballet and jazz dance since he could walk, so there was no chance that his love for dance was because he had decided to be gay.


I was insulted, to say the least, so I hopped back into the car and drove home to good-old non-gay Creston!!! Creston Christian College is always an option, and the news reports that they’ve only had one stabbing, this year, which is an AWESOME improvement. I am praising Jesis for the discernment of His Spirit which led us back to Creston. Absalom keeps working dilegently at his dance, praising Jesis with his body to the jazz tunes of Clay Aiken and Sandy Patti!!!

THESE PEOPLE USED TO BE GAY, BUT NOW THEY'RE NOT!

Because God cured them with his AMAZINGNESS and EVERYTHING!

The other week, I was in the bath, contemplating my services rendered unto the Lord. As the warm bathwater ran over the folds of my swimsuit, I came to a state of meditation- this must be what those evil Buddhists are always talking about! In my meditative, non-secular trance, I came to a holy realization. I was not born gay, so therefore it’s ludicrous for anyone else to claim they were born that way. This means that every single gay person chose to be that way, and can therefore be converted. I began a fierce campaign to convert every gay man on the planet. I started with Richard Simmons, of whom I’d been an admirror for years. I quickly composed a fierce but poetic plea to Sir Simmons, asking him to reconsider his choice of sexuality. He promptly responded with this letter:

Dear Madam,

Richard Simmons thanks you for your continued support. Currently, he lives in Beverly Hills with his girlfriend, Heather. Please continue to support the Richard Simmons projects in any way you can, and enjoy the attached photo.

Sincerely,
Richard Simmons


Obviously, Richard Simmons took my letter to heart, and went out and got a girlfriend. I decided to use my positive energy to tackle an even more difficult challenge: Dick Cheney’s daughter.

As we all know, Dick Cheney’s daughter chose to be a lesbian on July 13th, 1993, when she took a position with the Colorado Rockies baseball team. From then on, she has been stumbling blindly away from the path of the lord. I sent her a letter in March, urging her to give up her sinful ways and hearken unto the path of righteous heterosexuality. Sure enough, I soon received this picture in the mail:


Needless to say, Mary Cheney is not only straight again, God has forgiven her, and blessed her with child.

My final attempt to curb homo-sinners back into heaven’s headlights involved Rosie O’Donnell. Naturally, this curvy bombshell had men drooling in the 1980s, as she played a sultry kitten in the films “The Flintstones,” “A League of Their Own,” and “Gimme a Break!” It shocked single men everywhere when Rosie announced she had decided to be gay. Soon, she joined "The View," and managed to transmit her gayness to unprotected co-workers.


I sent a letter to Rosie, condemning her sexuality. I sent a copy to her lover, and to each one of her children. I haven’t heard back from any of them, so I suspect they’re all planning an intervention to stop Rosie’s gayness.

I've been even considering converting to Gayness myself, just so I can convert back and show everyone how easy it is. But, until I decide whether or not this is holy, I will just have to reside on the knowledge that I am single-handedly curing people everywhere of homosexuality, with Jesis' warm love.

These People Were My Friends, Until I Read Their Blogs

Now, I know, they're going to hell. Here's one from our blogger friends in Pennsylvania:
http://livingafulllife.blogspot.com/

I’m pretty sure your “Amish God” doesn’t want you blogging.



Ann Coulter is so pretty with her plain good looks and independent nose. Why does she feel the need to have some hooker’s picture on her blog.
http://www.anncoulter.com/


This man, who advertises his blog as “from the brother of Christopher Hitchens.”
http://www.smartchristian.com/

He appears to have photographic proof of Rudy Giuliani shaking the hand of George
Washington, a KNOWN LIBERAL!!!



Barbara Curtis at http://mommylife.net wants to come out as a "five star general who decided to become a homosexual". It's also very obvious the fruit of her womb is the product of obestiality:





I’ve seen a lot of blogs sporting a “Jesus Inside” logo.

Naturally, I’m blocking these blogs from my eldest daughter, who is 19. I don’t want anyone inside her before marriage