These Products Are Going to Hell!

I'm not trying to go to hell, like the evil folks at the flagrantly pro-homosexual mommylife.net, so I've come to bring a fierce warning from the Jesus.
Here are the products you should not buy, for the lord has told me:

Tampons

I don't believe in sticking anything in my vagina before marriage.



Spic n' span

I don't believe in any product made out of Spics.



Dell

Things that spontaneously burst into flames can never be of the lord. Except for bushes.



The Flowbee

Only satan would make a vacuum hair cutting system this cruel. My kitten's face has never fully healed.



Roor Flower Vases

These flower vases are atrocious-looking, and they barely work. My son has had one of these in his room for several months. Ever since he got it, all the flowers I've put in it have ended up dead. All this flower-tending is taking its toll on my son- his grades have dropped dramatically.