Warm Jesis LoveThe other week, I was in the bath, contemplating my services rendered unto the Lord. As the warm bathwater ran over the folds of my swimsuit, I came to a state of meditation- this must be what those evil Buddhists are always talking about! In my meditative, non-secular trance, I came to a holy realization. I was not born gay, so therefore it’s ludicrous for anyone else to claim they were born that way. This means that every single gay person chose to be that way, and can therefore be converted. I began a fierce campaign to convert every gay man on the planet. I started with Richard Simmons, of whom I’d been an admirror for years. I quickly composed a fierce but poetic plea to Sir Simmons, asking him to reconsider his choice of sexuality. He promptly responded with this letter:
Dear Madam,
Richard Simmons thanks you for your continued support. Currently, he lives in Beverly Hills with his girlfriend, Heather. Please continue to support the Richard Simmons projects in any way you can, and enjoy the attached photo.
Sincerely,
Richard Simmons
Obviously, Richard Simmons took my letter to heart, and went out and got a girlfriend. I decided to use my positive energy to tackle an even more difficult challenge: Dick Cheney’s daughter.
As we all know, Dick Cheney’s daughter chose to be a lesbian on July 13th, 1993, when she took a position with the Colorado Rockies baseball team. From then on, she has been stumbling blindly away from the path of the lord. I sent her a letter in March, urging her to give up her sinful ways and hearken unto the path of righteous heterosexuality. Sure enough, I soon received this picture in the mail:
Needless to say, Mary Cheney is not only straight again, God has forgiven her, and blessed her with child.
My final attempt to curb homo-sinners back into heaven’s headlights involved Rosie O’Donnell. Naturally, this curvy bombshell had men drooling in the 1980s, as she played a sultry kitten in the films “The Flintstones,” “A League of Their Own,” and “Gimme a Break!” It shocked single men everywhere when Rosie announced she had decided to be gay. Soon, she joined "The View," and managed to transmit her gayness to unprotected co-workers.
I sent a letter to Rosie, condemning her sexuality. I sent a copy to her lover, and to each one of her children. I haven’t heard back from any of them, so I suspect they’re all planning an intervention to stop Rosie’s gayness.
I've been even considering converting to Gayness myself, just so I can convert back and show everyone how easy it is. But, until I decide whether or not this is holy, I will just have to reside on the knowledge that I am single-handedly curing people everywhere of homosexuality, with Jesis' warm love.
11 comments:
How wonderful of you to care for the world! I am sure the world will be a safer place for heterosexuality thanks to your efforts!
Umm, did you not have your glasses on when you looked at the photos of pregnant Mary Cheney embracing her lover? That was a woman nuzzling with her. It was sent to you in defiance of your ignorance. You have not been sent by God to convert the errant sinner and you do not have to power to defeat the biology that fuels homosexual tendencies. You are also in need of a thorough eye exam. Those photos were of two women embracing impending motherhood. Get those spectacles checked, lady. And get off your high horse. Live and let live.
Uh joey... I'm not sure if you get the point of this here blog. I'm pretty sure the whole point is satire.
If you read enough of the posts, I think you'll actually find them brilliantly funny.
Who the hell are you to WRITE/CONTACT people to convince them to change their sexuality? if this so called "god" forgives all sins and they say homosexuality is a sin, then aren't you god obsessive people contradicting yourselves? honestly. let people live the way they want to live and bud out. homosexual people don't contact you to try and convince you to be gay. honestly, open your damn eyes, there are THOUSANDS of gay people EVERYWHERE! and you will not have an impact on the way they live. who even said god was real? i'd watch the movie "zeitgeist" if i were you. you are just worshiping a lifelong myth.
There is no God, get a life and stop trying to impede your ideals onto others.
I really dont see anything wrong with lesbians. hot ones anyway. i think ill go look at more lesbian porn.
this must be some children's blog making fun of life in general... if there's anyone in the whole wide world supporting this or even taking it seriously they should once again keep in mind that "god" or religion in generel is something invented by human beings and ..... what the hell- you're out of reality...
LOUGHING OUT LOUUUUUD!!!
Dear Roberta,
Thanks for keeping this page and crusade going.
On thursday night I accidentally converted to gayness, but then afterwards forward-slid back to heterosexuality.
I thought that I did this without the help of Jesis. Is that possible?
Please help.
You have opened my eyes, Roberta. I have at once given up the love of my life, found a man, got married, became pregnant, and had the baby all in one night.
Your wise words have "set me straight". Bless you, and bless Jesis.
-JS
Well written article.
this can only be a joke, because otherwise it would mean, that this roberta is absolutely brainwashed and crazy. probably she could never live her homosexuality openly so know she has to punish herself.
that´s sad.
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