Warm Jesis Love
I've always had a love/disgust relationship with my middle daughter, Tamar. On the one hand, she's much more moral and upstanding than her elder sister, with whom I refuse to speak because of her opinions on ear piercings. However, Tamar has also let us down in many respects--failing to ever win the Miss Iowa pageant, for instance, despite the Lord's insisting to me that she would become the next Miss America. Which is why I was surprised when the Lord told me clearly in a dream that it was time to find a husband for Tamar. I had just assumed it was Tamar's lot in life to forever pull the plough with her homely body. But the Lord's ways are not ours. So, with our new mission in mind, Jesis and I began viewing possible suitors in the best place to find single, patient, repentant men.
At first, it seemed that no one in the prison release program was moral enough to take Tamar. I read dozens of letters offering to date my daughter, but none of them discussed the moral ramifications of premarital sex and abortion, though I was pleased that so many were pro-procreation. I was about to give up, when I read a letter from a true knight in shining spiritual armor:
"Dear Roberta,
I sounded out your advertisement, and I believe I am "upright" enough to date your daughter. I am morally upstanding, and I hope someday to be a pastor, a bishop, or a gunsmith. I am being released this Friday for domestic battery, for which I am very sorry."
I couldn't believe such a hunky man was single!! Belief in the Lord AND career ambition--I was reminded of the young and dashing James who stole my heart and broke my spirit one mesmerizing Pentacostal evening. I immediately called Tamar in from her husking, gave her a crisp $20 bill, and told her to buy the best dress in the entire Target. I then put her in the back seat of the station wagon, and drove to the penitentiary to pick up Tamar's future husband... The evening didn't turn out at all like I'd expected, but then again, Jesis likes to calmly surprise me!!
But, that's a story I'll have to tell on Monday, as I see that my eldest son, Absalom, has stuck his entire head in the pool drain, again. I need to stop typing and save him.
Also, Jesis has asked me to remind you that the Jewish High "Holidays" are just a month away, and it's time to begin praying against them!!
5 comments:
That man can't compare to me. I will make sure Tamar gets strangled firmly by the lords hands. I am so close to god that often Jesis works through me and in fact uses my hands to do the choking of truth and light into those needy souls.
Tamar needs a gay black Jew like me. I've been going to my local church five nights a week to remove my gayness. Once I do that, I think I would be perfect for Tamar...as long as she can get over the black part, I know that I already expelled the Jewish demons from my head. It took several sessions of electro-shock therapy, but I don't feel Jewish at all anymore. I'm a bible-thumping, gun-toting, abstinence only Christian now!
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