OUR TROOPS NEED TO ACT MORE LIKE MEN, AND LESS LIKE BOYS AND GIRLS!

By James Shugs

I recently took my boys to salute the Vietnam Wall, as I do every time I feel in doubt. Creston has an exact replica of the wall made out of orange concrete but very authentic, as it's next to the Panda Express.

As we stopped to let Absalom fix the strap on his Candies shoe, I was taken in by a moving quote:

"The Vietnam War required us to emphasize the national interest rather than abstract principles."
- Henry Kissinger

I was stirred to the bowels of my soul. It was a moving description, and one that can be applied to Christianity, as well. My Christian Encyclopedia says that Kissinger was an unfortunately Jewish man. However, it's hard to imagine that, during that quote, he had anything else in his mind but the One True Faith.

I began to ponder our current lack of strong, outspoken soldiers like Kissinger. Like the current pop hit, "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," I wondered, "Where have all the strong, outspoken soldiers gone?"

I then realized correctly that liberalist individualism must be the problem. As I remember, the most manly soldiers came from the era during my childhood. There wasn't a whole lot of liberalism in the nation during the era in which I grew up--late 1960s West Virginia. Therefore, this modern influx of liberalism, and pro-female individualism thinking, has obviously wrapped its tendons around the minds of our troops and our boys overseas, causing us to become unable to finish winning a war against a bunch of shrieking Jihad devils.

This is what happens when you start teaching young boys liberal hype like "help out with housework", "take a long bath", and "no means no." Once they have errantly given up their place of male dominance, this makes them feel confused in wartime, since both MidWestern women and Middle Eastern men tend to have fine beards and sinewy arms.



I was faced with the universal conundrum of what to do as an individual, to combat all of this individualism. I knew I had to start with my boys- grow them up like manly men with rough and rugged experience lessons. With that in mind, I had Roberta pack us a picnic lunch, and took the boys out to the St. Francis Catholic Church parking lot for a little shooting.

It was our first time shooting as a family, if you don't count that time when Roberta convinced Tamar to give her heart to Jesis. Our younger boy, Spud had trouble handling the recoil with his short, flipper hands. However, Absalom proved to be a crack shot, surprisingly. According to him, he gained his skills handling a revolver in his bedroom while doing his favorite creative writing exercise, writing "By the time you find this" letters. I've never been so proud of him. Perhaps I should ship him overseas, and teach those gay army boys a real lesson! (I'm just kidding about that last part, I'd never do anything to interfere with Absalom's dream of being a professional dancer!)

After expending the two cases of pellets I'd brought, we sat down to lunch and a good old fashioned male bonding ritual I learned from my Uncle. First, one boy is chosen as the "Tribal Fox." Everyone sits in a circle while the Tribal Fox says something personal about themselves, both emotional and deeply physical. Then, every other member of the circle puts their hands on his thighs, and lets out a war whoop. Looking at my boys grip and holler, I felt a tear well up in my eye as I recalled my youth. Usually, I recall my youth as a more pleasant time for me than the times when I am with my boys. However, I enjoyed our male bonding ritual way better than when it was with just me and my uncle. Plus, me and the boys saved a lot of time and American dollars by omitting the butter.

After a meal and "group poop", I was sad that I could no longer come up with any male bonding ideas. We packed up everything, and drove the Caravan home. It really depressed me that I had no more masculine wisdom to impart. I tried putting an ad in the church bulletin, asking readers to share with me their favorite all-male bondage rituals. However, none of the responses seemed to make much sense.

If any readers out their have any ideas on how I could further my sons' development into fully-fledged members of the male race, please feel free to comment.