JESIS HATES CUTTING & IS COMING TO MY PARTY!!!!

As many of you on our prayer list know, our son Absalom had been displaying strange behavior for some time. We were catching him wearing unauthorized hot pants and lip gloss on several different occasions. James and I were so disturbed, we couldn't sleep, not even after our usual ritual of prayer and cookies. Then we decided to buy Absalom a boy kitten, so he would be able to observe the natural and homely tendencies that Jesis put in wildlife. Jesis answered our unspoken prayers, because we found out the next day that our neighbors were selling kittens, as a gentle reminder to their cat about promiscuity!! (Isn't it amazing how quickly Jesis works!)

Absalom named the new kitty Twink, after his favorite dessert! He and Twink would go for walks together, play with treats, and we did not see any shiny lips or legs, Praise Jesis!! Then we were having family movie night, and watching Dr. Phil. I quickly realized that we had encountered another evil, straight from Satan trying to get my son off Jesis's plan! We saw the telltale signs of cutting, which I will share here for other mommies:


1. Long, red scabs on the arms or legs

2. You definitely did not cause your kids scabs

3. They deny they're cutters

NOTE: IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, YOUR CHILD IS A CUTTER!!!

We knew we had to stage an intervention immediately!!! At first, I didn't stage one, although I knew I should and I am still right. First, I naturally chose to take away his cat, for protection. This seemed to do the trick, as the red scabs disappeared soon after. Obviously, the cat was the problem. Our son had obviously become depressed due to the kitten's Siamese heritage and resorted to cutting. "I know the signs all too well," spoke Jesis, by which I mean me. However, my son soon took a job raking briar patches. This must have depressed him, as well, because the cuts on his arms soon reappeared.

So, now, it's an intervention. I've been busy preparing hors d'oeuvres and sending out invitations. I'm known for throwing quite the social soiree, I'm in charge of my church fast-'n-prayer service (the secret is to bring extra buckets in case anybody gets the vomits). I knew that expectations would be high for Absalom's Intervention Party, and I did not want to disappoint Jesis. I made certain that everyone was invited- my church sewing group, my bridge and solemn vows group, my Mothers Against Mothers Driving group. With all of these respected and reserved middle-aged female pinnacles there, I knew Absalom would be moved to fall on his knees and sniff His ground in servitude.

As I write this, the intervention party is growing in my garage. Everyone is here except for Absalom, who usually shows up late. But, I can count on his arrival- it's family movie night, and I told him we were viewing his all-time favorite film, "The Little Mermaid: Christian Edit". Boy, how he chortles for practically the entire 20 minutes of that video!!!

Well, I need to go start the spiritual warfare and pour the Crystal Light (we have two kinds!!). Bye for now, but I'll be back after the fun party to tell you how well it went.

Gay People have Ruined My Society!

My son, Absalom, has turned 18 and is ready to leave my home-schooling and go to college!! He says he wishes to major in ballet, and become a famous “showdancer”, just like King David did in the Bible when his wife Abigail wept with joy. Naturally, I want to provide for him the strictest Christian dance education that money can buy. So, this weekend, we loaded up our Caravan and began touring what I thought were the “best” colleges under His Good Name. It turns out I’d been mistaken, as gay sin had already taken its horrible toll on each of the most popular Christian colleges!!!Our first stop was Bob Jones University. My husband has a lot of money, so we were allowed a brief meeting with the President, Stephen Jones. Stephen, unfortunately, informed me that there was no dance school for boys!!!! When I inquired why, he said that having a male dance school attracts homosexuals. I was shocked that urban homosexuals had ruined another fine institution, so I went out to the car, where my son was waiting, shook him until his feet were clean of dirty dust and sped off!


We then headed south, to good ‘ol Baylor University. This is my husband’s alma mater, as he spent more days here than at any other university. On the drive down, my son kept getting antsy. He called his friend Tony, several times to chat, and that seemed to settle him down. He’s such a loyal friend!


When we arrived at Baylor, I had scheduled a meeting with several academic advisors. I brought Absalom along, this time, and cracked a car window for Tamar, his twin sister, who is in discipleship training for becoming a mommy if she gets into her top husband. (Keep praying!!!)


Anyway, those advisors sure weren’t doing a lot for their school’s image!!! After barely meeting with Absalom, they suggested that he would be happier at a SECULAR college. I insisted that Absalom was just as good as any Dance major currently at Baylor. To prove my point, I had Absalom do an impromptu recital for them, fortunately, he was already wearing his leotard. After the recital, the advisors were all smiles and laughter, because Absalom obviously rubbed their souls with the joy of the Lord!! They thanked us for our time, and I left(Absalom had already run out of the room and jumped into the car, with a holy unction.)
I had hoped our next stop would be less unpleasant: Liberty college. I chose it as Absalom’s “safety school”. Absalom has always mentioned that he’d like to go to school in Sunny Virginia, just like the hymn. Also, Tamar likes the steeples. She says they are “purrrdy” and they remind her of dark nights she used to spend on summer vacation fellowshiping with her Uncle Michael in Northern Iowa.


When we got to Liberty College, the tour guide informed us that, despite the fact that they offer a LIBERAL ARTS PROGRAM, they do not offer a dance program!!! When I asked them how they planned to stop theaters from being overrun with gays, the tour guide implied that perhaps MY SON was a gay. I smartly replied that my son had been interested in ballet and jazz dance since he could walk, so there was no chance that his love for dance was because he had decided to be gay.


I was insulted, to say the least, so I hopped back into the car and drove home to good-old non-gay Creston!!! Creston Christian College is always an option, and the news reports that they’ve only had one stabbing, this year, which is an AWESOME improvement. I am praising Jesis for the discernment of His Spirit which led us back to Creston. Absalom keeps working dilegently at his dance, praising Jesis with his body to the jazz tunes of Clay Aiken and Sandy Patti!!!

THESE PEOPLE USED TO BE GAY, BUT NOW THEY'RE NOT!

Because God cured them with his AMAZINGNESS and EVERYTHING!

The other week, I was in the bath, contemplating my services rendered unto the Lord. As the warm bathwater ran over the folds of my swimsuit, I came to a state of meditation- this must be what those evil Buddhists are always talking about! In my meditative, non-secular trance, I came to a holy realization. I was not born gay, so therefore it’s ludicrous for anyone else to claim they were born that way. This means that every single gay person chose to be that way, and can therefore be converted. I began a fierce campaign to convert every gay man on the planet. I started with Richard Simmons, of whom I’d been an admirror for years. I quickly composed a fierce but poetic plea to Sir Simmons, asking him to reconsider his choice of sexuality. He promptly responded with this letter:

Dear Madam,

Richard Simmons thanks you for your continued support. Currently, he lives in Beverly Hills with his girlfriend, Heather. Please continue to support the Richard Simmons projects in any way you can, and enjoy the attached photo.

Sincerely,
Richard Simmons


Obviously, Richard Simmons took my letter to heart, and went out and got a girlfriend. I decided to use my positive energy to tackle an even more difficult challenge: Dick Cheney’s daughter.

As we all know, Dick Cheney’s daughter chose to be a lesbian on July 13th, 1993, when she took a position with the Colorado Rockies baseball team. From then on, she has been stumbling blindly away from the path of the lord. I sent her a letter in March, urging her to give up her sinful ways and hearken unto the path of righteous heterosexuality. Sure enough, I soon received this picture in the mail:


Needless to say, Mary Cheney is not only straight again, God has forgiven her, and blessed her with child.

My final attempt to curb homo-sinners back into heaven’s headlights involved Rosie O’Donnell. Naturally, this curvy bombshell had men drooling in the 1980s, as she played a sultry kitten in the films “The Flintstones,” “A League of Their Own,” and “Gimme a Break!” It shocked single men everywhere when Rosie announced she had decided to be gay. Soon, she joined "The View," and managed to transmit her gayness to unprotected co-workers.


I sent a letter to Rosie, condemning her sexuality. I sent a copy to her lover, and to each one of her children. I haven’t heard back from any of them, so I suspect they’re all planning an intervention to stop Rosie’s gayness.

I've been even considering converting to Gayness myself, just so I can convert back and show everyone how easy it is. But, until I decide whether or not this is holy, I will just have to reside on the knowledge that I am single-handedly curing people everywhere of homosexuality, with Jesis' warm love.