THE LORD TOLD ME IT'S TIME TO MAKE TAMAR FALL IN LOVE

I've always had a love/disgust relationship with my middle daughter, Tamar. On the one hand, she's much more moral and upstanding than her elder sister, with whom I refuse to speak because of her opinions on ear piercings. However, Tamar has also let us down in many respects--failing to ever win the Miss Iowa pageant, for instance, despite the Lord's insisting to me that she would become the next Miss America. Which is why I was surprised when the Lord told me clearly in a dream that it was time to find a husband for Tamar. I had just assumed it was Tamar's lot in life to forever pull the plough with her homely body. But the Lord's ways are not ours. So, with our new mission in mind, Jesis and I began viewing possible suitors in the best place to find single, patient, repentant men.

At first, it seemed that no one in the prison release program was moral enough to take Tamar. I read dozens of letters offering to date my daughter, but none of them discussed the moral ramifications of premarital sex and abortion, though I was pleased that so many were pro-procreation. I was about to give up, when I read a letter from a true knight in shining spiritual armor:

"Dear Roberta,

I sounded out your advertisement, and I believe I am "upright" enough to date your daughter. I am morally upstanding, and I hope someday to be a pastor, a bishop, or a gunsmith. I am being released this Friday for domestic battery, for which I am very sorry."

I couldn't believe such a hunky man was single!! Belief in the Lord AND career ambition--I was reminded of the young and dashing James who stole my heart and broke my spirit one mesmerizing Pentacostal evening. I immediately called Tamar in from her husking, gave her a crisp $20 bill, and told her to buy the best dress in the entire Target. I then put her in the back seat of the station wagon, and drove to the penitentiary to pick up Tamar's future husband... The evening didn't turn out at all like I'd expected, but then again, Jesis likes to calmly surprise me!!

But, that's a story I'll have to tell on Monday, as I see that my eldest son, Absalom, has stuck his entire head in the pool drain, again. I need to stop typing and save him.

Also, Jesis has asked me to remind you that the Jewish High "Holidays" are just a month away, and it's time to begin praying against them!!

OUR TROOPS NEED TO ACT MORE LIKE MEN, AND LESS LIKE BOYS AND GIRLS!

By James Shugs

I recently took my boys to salute the Vietnam Wall, as I do every time I feel in doubt. Creston has an exact replica of the wall made out of orange concrete but very authentic, as it's next to the Panda Express.

As we stopped to let Absalom fix the strap on his Candies shoe, I was taken in by a moving quote:

"The Vietnam War required us to emphasize the national interest rather than abstract principles."
- Henry Kissinger

I was stirred to the bowels of my soul. It was a moving description, and one that can be applied to Christianity, as well. My Christian Encyclopedia says that Kissinger was an unfortunately Jewish man. However, it's hard to imagine that, during that quote, he had anything else in his mind but the One True Faith.

I began to ponder our current lack of strong, outspoken soldiers like Kissinger. Like the current pop hit, "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," I wondered, "Where have all the strong, outspoken soldiers gone?"

I then realized correctly that liberalist individualism must be the problem. As I remember, the most manly soldiers came from the era during my childhood. There wasn't a whole lot of liberalism in the nation during the era in which I grew up--late 1960s West Virginia. Therefore, this modern influx of liberalism, and pro-female individualism thinking, has obviously wrapped its tendons around the minds of our troops and our boys overseas, causing us to become unable to finish winning a war against a bunch of shrieking Jihad devils.

This is what happens when you start teaching young boys liberal hype like "help out with housework", "take a long bath", and "no means no." Once they have errantly given up their place of male dominance, this makes them feel confused in wartime, since both MidWestern women and Middle Eastern men tend to have fine beards and sinewy arms.



I was faced with the universal conundrum of what to do as an individual, to combat all of this individualism. I knew I had to start with my boys- grow them up like manly men with rough and rugged experience lessons. With that in mind, I had Roberta pack us a picnic lunch, and took the boys out to the St. Francis Catholic Church parking lot for a little shooting.

It was our first time shooting as a family, if you don't count that time when Roberta convinced Tamar to give her heart to Jesis. Our younger boy, Spud had trouble handling the recoil with his short, flipper hands. However, Absalom proved to be a crack shot, surprisingly. According to him, he gained his skills handling a revolver in his bedroom while doing his favorite creative writing exercise, writing "By the time you find this" letters. I've never been so proud of him. Perhaps I should ship him overseas, and teach those gay army boys a real lesson! (I'm just kidding about that last part, I'd never do anything to interfere with Absalom's dream of being a professional dancer!)

After expending the two cases of pellets I'd brought, we sat down to lunch and a good old fashioned male bonding ritual I learned from my Uncle. First, one boy is chosen as the "Tribal Fox." Everyone sits in a circle while the Tribal Fox says something personal about themselves, both emotional and deeply physical. Then, every other member of the circle puts their hands on his thighs, and lets out a war whoop. Looking at my boys grip and holler, I felt a tear well up in my eye as I recalled my youth. Usually, I recall my youth as a more pleasant time for me than the times when I am with my boys. However, I enjoyed our male bonding ritual way better than when it was with just me and my uncle. Plus, me and the boys saved a lot of time and American dollars by omitting the butter.

After a meal and "group poop", I was sad that I could no longer come up with any male bonding ideas. We packed up everything, and drove the Caravan home. It really depressed me that I had no more masculine wisdom to impart. I tried putting an ad in the church bulletin, asking readers to share with me their favorite all-male bondage rituals. However, none of the responses seemed to make much sense.

If any readers out their have any ideas on how I could further my sons' development into fully-fledged members of the male race, please feel free to comment.

Intervention Result- A Call to All Mommies!

Everyone has been asking about our recent non-divine intervention for our son, Absalom. The outpouring of support from friends and family has been soulwarming in this storm. The local police authorities were especially forthright in showing their concern. Rather than speak to everyone individually, and risk catching a nasty demon from the phone, I've decided to summarize the holy events which transpired.


First, nearly all five people I invited showed up. Absalom came in wearing a tight "hello kitty" t-shirt that belongs to his sister. And hot pants. We spent two hours trying to get Absalom to spit up his demon, until he finally untied himself and I realized that we needed the Lord to come up with a different plan.

I began to consider the events which could have caused Absalom's weird descent. There was that one day he skipped daily sunday school- and he never made up the twelve hours he missed. At first, I was certain that this was the culprit, as he must have spent that day getting infested with demon eggs. But then, I realized that the Lord had exacted his sevritude on Absalom through the whip, and that all was righteous in Absalom's heart.

Having determined that Absalom's wicked behavior was not his own fault, I began to ponder what else could be possessing him. I soon realized that the clothing he wore, the very beacon for my concern, was causing the problem. No wonder Tamar turned out so luke-warm- she had been wrapped in possessed clothing her entire life!

I ordered Absalom to strip down. Then, I took all of Tamar’s clothes and burned them in the backyard. Tamar cried and cried, which soothed my soul, as it meant the devils were getting released from her. Now, I have two naked teenage children locked in my garage, and I’m nearly out of mini-Ritz! Oh, the trials of a modern mommy.

I’m sure you’ve had your own experiences as a Christian mother with 4-10 children. Feel free to share them in our comments section.