YOUR RELIGION IS GOING TO HELL!*

*excerpting Christianity




I googled pictures of other religions, and in about three seconds I had enough info to confidentially say that followers of EVERY OTHER RELIGION are going straight to Christian Hell!


The Pope is a SEX-Crazed MANIAC who unfortunately became over-satisfied with little boys and has moved onto Cher!


Sinful Arab countries regularly offer Marijuana Bongs in Cafes! Even this upstanding white gentleman has been lurid into Muslim Temptation!



I don't know what religion this is, but homosexuality is outlawed in every religion!

Why can't these people be more like Jesus Christ, who never once associated himself with people of lesser morality? Shame on everyone.

ZELL MILLER IS SERVING UP SOFT BALLS!

by James Shugs

Men of the faith, a zealous battle is at hand between the forces of Good and Righteousness and EVIL!. I have been following the extensive and old career of Zell Miller for many decades. In 2001, when I heard that he had finally come over to the side of the holy army, and condemned every member of the Democratic party straight to hell, I stood up on my dinner table and cheered. However, it seems that yet again darkness has crestfallen Zell. After retiring from the Congress, Zell was given an exclusive position on the National Battlefield Monument Committee.


I thought he'd use his power to erect great statues of past and FUTURE religious leaders and cast out demons here and afar. But... this... is... not... at... all... what... he... has... done!!! Why has he been avoiding the issues that the LORD has called upon him? As I was voted equipment manager of my daughter youth's soccer team, I cannot stand by and watch a fellow elected official act this way. Fellow elected officials like me should behave at least as moral as I do. Here's why:

- Zell Miller has neglected to erect any statues of the greatest warrior of all time, JESIS CHRIST. The Bible itself proclaims Jesis as one of the mightiest and strong men in this galaxy. Why, this scene says it all:

Jesus took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.
Judges 19:29
Obviously! Jesis is a brutal hero who is not to be trifled with. He deserves a statue.

Also, Zell Miller oversees the Luxembourg Americal Memorial. As we all know LUXEMBOURG is in the Axis of Evil! EVEN WORSE, Zell Miller has ignored my repeated letters warning him of this issue. If this keeps up, I shall have to alert my wife and my boss, as well as the smelly alcoholic homeless man on the street with whom I talk about Jesis!!

This leads me to my point: Zell Miller denies to make any new statues of the second coming of Jesis, which we all know is a flipper baby. This is ridiculous, as history is filled with famous statues of flipper babies, such as the Venus De Milo!



Oh, why, oh why must you continue to flipper flop, ZellMiller? You're supposed to fight for the Lord! It says so in the bible. Please start making hard-hitting statues and stop serving up these soft balls! Dead people do not deserve statues, only living people like George W. Bush and Jesis deserve them. I pray with your soul that you will find your way out of the forest of moral temptation and back onto the path towards enlightenment, eventually coming to the clearing of heaven. Amen.

Year-Round Christmas Cookies

by Roberta Shugs

Every Chrissmas Eve, I gather the family in the living room for family devotions. Afterwards, I break out my set of gold-leafed hymnals to rejoyce in our Lord’s birth. Then my children set out Chrissmas cookies for Jesis, to signal that while there was no room at the inn, there’s room in *our* house for him, between the table and the side of the couch where we set the cookies!!

We have so much fun deliting in our God that it just breaks my heart to see Chrissmas end, and my dear hubby misses the blessid cookies! Finally, after much prayer and fasting, the Lord put it on my heart to create a recipe for cookies that you can have *any* time of year, no matter where the calendar falls on Jesis’s’s lifespan!

Ingredients:
-- 1 1/2 cups of Splenda, for our bodies are temples
-- 2/3 cup shortening (any brand BUT Proctor & Gamble, because they like to kill babies)
-- 2 tablespoons fresh ram milk from your local farmer’s market
-- 1 handful Devil’s almonds because the kids love em!
-- 1 teaspoon Watkins vanilla (they believe in stopping bilingual education!)
-- 2 REGULAR SIZED eggs (Large or Jumbo eggs are gluttony)
-- 3 1/4 cups Hebrew flower
-- 2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder (from Sam’s Club, because they give discounts for full quiver shoppers)
-- 1/2 teaspoon salt, not too much because I bloat.

1. Mix the Splenda and the shortening slowly with your right hand.


2. Slowly add the ram milk, the thicker the better.


3. Beat your eggs and add to the mix. I like to pretend the eggs are the horrible powers of dark and sin, and that my hands are the hands of God, and that I am the eggbeater, through which the channel of God flows his work to banish the evils of the world from my mixing bowl. Don’t forget to remove those eggshells.


4. Add the flower and baking powder. In that order. DO NOT ADD THE SALT AND ALMONDS.


5. Add the salt and almonds! If you added these before the baking powder, don’t worry, just start over.


6. When the dough is mixed, throw it on the counter.


7. Flatten the dough under your Bible by pressing in to the Word.


8. Once the dough is rolled, press a cutter into it. (This is a good time to talk to your kids about the evils of cutting, or premarital sex.)


9. Put them in the oven.


10. Pray for 45-50 minutes.


11. Take them out.
    

These make wonderful decorations for all kinds of holidays! Just a few examples:

Veteran's Day



















Arbor Day














Grandpa's Birthday

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

BIBLE SECRETS REVEALED!!!

by James Shugs

It is I, the righteous and humble servant of the Lord, so let me introduce myself. Thousands of you who have seen my commercials know me as The Mole Man. But, my friends simply call me James Moleman. What my millions of customers and fans do not know is that, in addition to spending countless hours gassing moles DEAD in the name of the Holy Light, I also spend a tremendous amount of time RE-searching the Bible!!! For a long time ago, I decided to keep my amazing findings to myself, so they would not fall into the hands of EVIL. But, then I realized that the Lord discovered Internet so I could spread the word. And so, I present to you the first of my

BIBLE SECRETS REVEALED!!!!!!

1 – The Bible Reveals the Identity of the Second Coming of Christ!!!! For several years, people have told me that my son, Jacob, is special. I always found this odd- Jacob is a Phocomeliac, more commonly called a flipper baby. If anything, he's less special than normal babies.

But then I was seeking divine answers in the book of revelations- after countless nights of Job-like RE-search, I stumbled upon and amazing discovery! Here's the passage:

" 1 This is what the Sovereign LORD showed me: He was preparing swarms of locusts after the king's share had been harvested and just as the second crop was coming up." (Revelations 5:11b)"

I always wondered if the Lord was talking to me in code, here, as I do not know what "soverenn" is. So, I got to doing my arithmetic, and I learned the SHOCKING truth.

I immediately thought of my "Ezekiel Oat-Bran" decoder ring, which I prayed and prayed for in 5 th grade. That holy rosetta stone proved to be a true decoder, of sorts. I turned the settings to the right position, and my holy ring told me to use every third word. I got:

"Is soverenn me preparing locusts king's been just second coming?"

I'm sure you're feeling that excited tingle I felt when I first found this. Look at the last two words- Second Coming!!! Surely this is the path to holyness!!!!

The next clue practically jumps out at me: Locust king. The Locust king is the vessel through which the Lord will manifest himself at rapture!!!!!! I looked up "locust" in the dictionary: Locuts: A species of crop-destroying insects featuring abnormally short appendages.

Then, I inserted the final puzzle piece when I looked up "Phocomelia": Phocomeliac: Anyone possessing the birth defect creating abnormally short appendages. !!!!!!2!

Warning!
Spoilers ahead:
The second coming of Jesis will be a flipper baby!! I'm not going to assume my child is the rapture incarnate, but just in case I've enrolled him in round-the-clock bible study and fasting courses. Each week, I take him to the Creston County mental ward, to see if he can drive the demon out of his aunt. Thank the Lord that the Lord has blessed me with HIS amazing flipper child through my wife's addiction to painkillers!!

I'm proud to say that this code has gotten me 9.4% closer to knowing the Lord, as evidence by this graph:

Knowing the Lord Graph


No doubt I am just moments away from conjoining the gates of Heaven!

I want to share Jesis's love!

by Roberta Shugs

I woke up today and I saw the sun streaming in my window. As I lay there, I was filled with the deep and joyful love of the Lord, and a bit of Jesis. As I threw open my shutters to fully reveal the beauty of His creation, I knew I had to go forth into the world and share his Word. I immediately sprung to my basement, which is the only room safe enough to keep our Tandy away from our kids.

Naturally, using computers is a labor reserved for the head of the household. So I awoke my husband and told him to use the internet to spread my word to everbody. Seeing as how he thinks I am always insightful, he recommended a web log. Now I am prepared to share the wonders I have seen with the universe. Naturally, I say this from a woman’s point of view, which is worth 3/5 of a man’s.

I’m Roberta Shugs, your average stay at home mom, with a prophetic mantle. That’s right, I can see God’s path into the future, unlike my hokey husband, who needs to use Bible codes to see what is happening. Speaking of my dear husband, James, he’s better known as “The Mole Man.” In fact, if you’ve clicked on this page, you’re probably looking for his site, http://www.jesishatesmoles.edu/. But you can stick around if you want to grab ahold of the Spirit of God and squeeze his life out to others.

Between us, we share four kids: Spud, Tamar, Absalom, Deborah, Ruth and.

Deborah is a wonderful mortal. She’s always attending her high school. The other day she was so filled with Christ’s spirit she went into a carnal high school dance. Filled with holy hate not unlike Jesis at temple. Incensed at what she saw there, she screamed at the top of her lungs, before falling on the floor in a fit of praise.

Our twins are named Absalom and Tamar. We call them Ab, or Abbey, or RockHardAb, and Tamar. Absalom is first in his junior high intensive Bible training. It’s no wonder—he’s spoken in tongues since birth. Tamar says things too.

Spud’s our youngest, and the only one not born of our holy seed. He was a prize (those who know me know what I mean). He suffers from a disease that makes God make his arms much shorter, like flippers. Despite this, he does not swim very good, as we found out at his baptism.

As you can see, I’ve experienced my share of the Lord’s amazing bounties. I’ll say that birthing four miracle children is the best of my gifts. I can only imagine how much greater these experiences would have been had I been a man.

To the Thessolonians,
Roberta